To have, or not to have...that is the question

If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." -Woody Allen

I love being a Mom. I love being a Mom and step mom. I love it so much that thinking about my two favorite mini people can make me smile when things are going bad. I love it to the point I miss Cooper 5 seconds after I drop him off at school. If I don't get Jaylyn from school I catch myself wondering how her day went. These two kids are the center of my world and I plan my days around their schedules.

But I think 2 might be enough...maybe.

Before I go into it I know what people think (people being my husband). I know that sometimes the best planners get surprised with babies (I of all people know this). I know that God will give me more if that is what he plans. I know this...yet still I can't stop thinking, planning, and trying to decide.

I also know that people who don't know me or my family very well think that perhaps I shouldn't count my step daughter in the "how many kids I have" category (one rude person at my work said this to me recently and I was not amused). They would be very wrong. I realize she is only mine by marriage, but that doesn't mean I don't have unconditional love for her. It doesn't mean I don't worry about her. And I never mind doing "parent" things with her. In my mind, while I might be "just the step mom" (although evil I'm not), she is not "just my step daughter". So she counts as me having two kids...even better I didn't have to gain 20 pounds to have her in my life or change any diapers!

So right now I have in my life what I call manageable chaos. Meaning, with only two kids schedules to worry about, and only having one kid active in sports, John and I can manage everything without losing our minds. Throw another kid in the mix and it won't be so easy. It will be back to lots of naps, bottles, burping cloths, and so on. And we are soooo close to being done with diapers...do we really want to sign back up?

There are many other factors weighing the decision that seems to make it easier to stop now and count our blessings that we have the two we have. There is the cost of another child, the fact that we would lose our spare bedroom that is a playroom right now, and more personal reasons.

But then there is John's cousin who is pregnant. It makes me want to cry every time I see her baby bump as I remember having my own child inside me. And then I see newborns all the time at work and want to stop everything, pick them up, and remember how good a newborn baby feels snuggled up to your shoulder. And smell the sweet baby smell. And I tear up some as I think that this is something I might never experience again...

Then I come home and some days my two-year-old is acting possessed and I tear up, thinking this is something I may experience again?!?

Isn't it every woman's right to be indecisive?